Early Experiences with the Hijab
Poetic Ethnographer: Amal Alharthi
Participants: Six Saudi women
Project: Saudi women’s voices and gendered experiences
Source: Alharthi, A. (2021). Defining Saudi feminism/s: Poetic ethnographic representations of Saudi women’s voices and lived experiences. [Unpublished Doctoral Dissertation]. Indiana University of Pennsylvania.
Wearing the abaya
When I was in fourth grade
My parents said wear the abaya
After a year they said
wear the scarf to cover your hair
After a year
they started to force me to cover my face
I was only in the sixth grade!
They said you are older now
You will be in middle school
you have
to cover your face
It’s
over!
I resisted the abaya!
Every time we go out
I wear the abaya in the house
When I get in the car
I take
it off and put it beside me
Then I get out of the car without the abaya!
My dad would ask me
Where is
your abaya?
I tell him I left it in the car!
He says next time don’t leave it in the car!
I was still a child!
I was eleven
I was
not ready to transition!
One day
We were going out to play
In a big amusement park
I said to myself
We are going to play
I’m going to leave my abaya in the car again
I went out of the car
I was behind my dad
When I reach him, He saw me!
He said where is your abaya?!
I said in the car!
On that day
He
decided I had to go back to the car
Bring
the abaya and wear it
It was the very first experience
where I felt the irony of it!
The idea of playing
of having fun!
Then there are these restrictions
The
abaya!
You have to wear it!
You
have to transition!
From a
kid to a young lady!
That moment I felt was
a
turning point in my life!
I’m wearing the abaya
So now I’m bigger
I’m an adult
But I’m still a young kid inside!
I had to force myself to grow up
People perceive you as older
So you have to act in a certain way
But I still wanted to act like a kid
I still
wanted to be a kid
Covering the Hair
I was forced to wear abaya
But they couldn’t
force me to like it
It took them more time to convince me
to wear the hijab
(head scarf)
to cover my hair
I was only wearing the abaya without covering my hair
I was taking it very slowly
I wanted to slow down the process
as much as I can
I didn’t want to grow up
at that moment of my life
I wasn’t ready!
At home I tried to rebel
against the black hijab
I was wearing the black abaya
but I told my parents
I’m not wearing a black hijab (head
scarf)
I wanted a colored hijab to cover my hair
It was weird at that time
very weird!
Nobody wore a colorful scarf at that time
Only the people from outside Saudi Arabia
people coming from different Arab
countries
we saw them wear a
colored scarf
But for us Saudi women
We had to
wear black
It was very weird to wear a colored scarf
But I insisted
It was my form of resistance!
I thought I was too young
I didn’t want to grow up
I felt if I put this outfit
the black abaya and black scarf
is like I’m
growing up
I felt I was forced into growing up
I don’t know why society forced us to wear black
Everything was
black
The black color of hijab suffocated us
Everything seemed dark around us
And we didn’t expect that there was something else
Five or six years ago
We started to see a few colored abayas in the mall
Very few women wore them
Those women were considered corrupt
They had a big x
on them
Covering the Face
When I was in sixth grade
before covering my face
My mother and I went to the mall
One of my mother’s friends saw me
she knew us
She came said hello
She said “I knew you from your daughter”
Because I was not covering my face
My mother looked at me
As if she was saying
You exposed us!
The next time we went out
I got in the car with my normal abaya and head scarf
My mother said
Go back home and
wear a niqab (face veil)
I don’t want
anyone to recognize us!
So I tied the niqab with people not knowing us
I started to cover my face when I was 10 years old
I was forced
by my older
brothers
You know those days
You can’t really object
My sisters and I had a problem with one of my brothers
He was extremely strict
He forced us to cover our eyes
We used to cover our face with a burka
That covered your face except your eyes
So we can see
But he did not want our eyes to show
He used to bother me about it
He used to say
The burqa makes your eyes more
attractive and seductive
It’s not acceptable
You have to cover
your whole entire face!
In intermediate school
In the seventh grade
My father and mother issued the royal command
It’s time to cover my face
I was not convinced
I didn’t want to cover my face
I didn’t believe I had to cover my face
But I couldn’t say anything
I had to be silent
I had to accept it
I couldn’t object
I used to put the abaya on my head
in front of the
teachers
But once I got outside of school
I put it down on my shoulders
When I get in the car
I remove the niqab
I remove the scarf
wrapped around my hair
Because I’m not convinced of covering my face!
I only wear the abaya and cover my face
because it was an obligation in
school!
I was so resistant to the idea of hijab
Resistant to the idea I had to give up my childhood right
now!
Accepting the fact, I have to grow up
even if I was not ready to grow up!
I didn’t feel that it was the time I wanted to grow up
Or maybe I am different
maybe I want to do something
different
Maybe my appearance does not have
to change
